Body Dismorphia

BDD afflicts 1 in every 50 of us, which is rather common – this means there are people in your school or workplace going through this battle right now. 

Imagine truly believing that you are the ugliest person in the world. Completely despising how you look. Welcome to my world.

 Most days I can't even look in the mirror, even when doing such little things such as brushing my teeth, I hate how I look every second of the day most days. Looking back, I think I have had BDD all my life. There has always been something to worry about. I have always worried about my appearance, whether that be my chubby thighs or my ski slope of a nose. 

I have had various obsessions on areas of my body that I have hated for months, and sometimes it feels like the pain will never go. Some days even just having a shower and looking at my naked self in the mirror causes me to curl in a ball and just cry. Just cry for hours. I wish I didn't hate my appearance. I get so angry at myself for not being as confident as other girls, but in reality it isn't that simple anymore. This isn't just me being a shy person or not being confident enough. 

I love the beach, but I can't bring myself to go as much this summer because that means wearing a bikini, and that means having to see myself. What a shit feeling. I often look in the mirror and see things that maybe truly aren't there, like huge lumps on the side of my hips, that make me look misshaped, but they seem to be there whenever I look. 

I feel too ashamed to wear bikinis, tight t-shirts, crop tops, shorts, skirts – anything that could underline the fact that I am not as slim as I wish, in other words FAT. People can tell you you're beautiful, and don't be so silly as if you need to lose weight. But if you don't truly believe it yourself then it doesn't matter, nor does it help. It goes in one ear and straight out the other. 

I don’t remember a time when I ever felt content or happy about my body and appearance in the recent months. Nor can I remember a time when I got dressed to go out with friends and didn't cry at least once whilst getting ready. A serious bad habit I have is comparing myself to everyone around me. In terms of figures, smiles, perfect skin and even just confidence. I am forever wishing I could be like her, or have her tiny waist or peachy arse. I wish I had her hair, her eyes. I wish I wasn't me some days. Forever feeling as if I am not good enough for anyone, because there's always a better option, of course there is. In my mind, everyone's better than me. 

 I used to think that the problem was that I was stupid, that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling totally useless because I actually was useless.

I hate how many people have told me it's just my hormones and I'll get over it one day. It's not that simple. This isn't a feeling I get when I'm on my period, this is a feeling of anger and hatred I feel towards my body every single day. 

I'm so physically and mentally exhausted from crying myself to sleep, or just crying in general over how I look. I just want to feel pretty, for once. 

I am trying so hard to regain confidence within myself, and to stop pushing people away because they deserve better. I have to learn to accept and love myself. I'm trying.

Kiera 

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Dear 2018 Me♥

Dear 2018 Me, 

First of all, you smashed 2017 and truly did make it YOUR year.  You've made so many people proud, even those who aren't with you anymore, Nanny would have cried with happiness when she found out you got an A in your RS GCSE. You exceeded yourself multiple times, did amazing in your GCSEs and proved to yourself that hard-work does pay off. You allowed yourself to fall in love, you didn't let the anxiety of being hurt hold you back and look how happy you are now (you the best H). Now it's time to make 2018 an even better year with even more achievements and incredible memories to be made. 

Take time to breathe, sit back and look at everything around you. Appreciate it all. Be grateful for each and every person you have in your life. These people love and support you more than you'll ever know. You are the best version of you that you can be, you are growing as a person with every challenge life may throw at you. Thrive at everything you do, you've proved so many times in the past that you can do this. Believe in yourself. You may stumble and fall along the way, that's more than okay. As long as you keep getting back up and don't let yourself sit in a pit of sorrow then you are doing better than you know. Take your time, don't rush. Good things come to those who wait. Appreciate life. There's no need to rush through life. Create memories, lots of them. Treasure these forever. Be happy. Wear that smile of yours everyday and always find a reason to be happy, even in the worst situations. 

When things get tough know that you're not alone. People want to help and support you in every way they can. Your past selves are here for you, an accumulation of past experiences, emotions, a collection of memories, always with you. Helping to shape you into the person that you are becoming. You're braver than you think. I believe in you. I’m proud of you for following your heart in what you need to do, even as hard and scary as it may be at times. You are always and always will be a brave and strong woman, two words you don’t use often enough to describe yourself.  But they’re true, and I give you kudos for jumping into a free fall to see what you are capable of without any boundaries to hold you back.

Allow your heart to be filled with a year’s worth of endless memories that one can only hope to experience in a lifetime. Your mind is going to be so expanded that if all you have lying right in front of you at the end of this year is opportunity and ideas, well, that’s more than anyone could ask for. Let your mind continue to guide the way, but let your heart have a say. Allow your spirit to groove with each experience and continue to take it all in. 

You’ll continue to get sharper and wiser in your intentions, with who you let into your life and what makes you feel alive. Your life is about to hit an all time wow, explode in the best way possible, and everything is about to fall into place, you'll soon see that everything happens for a reason.  There will be a moment that presents itself that will make parts of your past clear. The show’s not over yet. Anything can still happen.

Reach for the stars, swing from them to get where you’re going, but don’t give up. You’re too capable to quit, even when you think you’re not.  You’ve already made it this far.  Remember when you had some of your most fearful moments wondering if this was all going to be worth it in the end?

I wish you the best of luck in 2o18. Happy New Year,. 

You've got this. 

Kiera 

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♥

Winter Goals & Hello Again...♥

I won't lie I have no idea where I have been for the last six months either. Definitely not somewhere exotic that's for sure. I was checking my blog this morning when to my horror I noticed I hadn't wrote a post since August. How did I let that happen? I'm aware most people probably haven't even noticed that I've been gone. But here I am, just in time for Christmas, and just a tad late for blogmas. Maybe next year. 

The last six months have been a little weird, I started sixth form and A Levels are bloody hard, I'll tell you. I did manage to bag myself a job at Primark and I am enjoying it a whole lot! I seem to have very little time for myself though, so as the Christmas holidays have just begun I decided now would be a great time to spend some time writing up some posts on my blog and getting back into it. 

In light of New Year around the corner I thought I would share some of my current life goals that I am trying my hardest to complete or at least make a start on. 

1. Get myself back to the gym! There was a point in my life when I was in SUCH a great place with my fitness physically and mentally, I was eating SO healthy and working out 2-3 times a week, if not more. I was healthy and felt so happy with my body. Then I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I stopped going, and started eating rubbish. I've been feeling so self conscious lately and haven't had the confidence to get back into the gym. I've been finding myself crawling back into a hole where I lose all self confidence, a place I don't plan on letting myself go to. 

2. Blog more! You may or may not have noticed I haven't been as active on here lately as I used to be and this has been something that's upset me a lot. I used to have so much spare time to blog and tweet and Instagram, but that time doesn't seem to be with me lately. I have decided to spend some more time attempting to plan and write up posts. I really enjoy my blog, it's my own little thing that nobody around me does, something I get to call my own. I need to make more time for myself to sit down, and ramble on here. If you have any blog post ideas then please don't hesitate to let me know! This whole year I have wrote 11 blog posts, back in 2o14 I wrote 117. That makes my heart sink. 

3. Read more! As you can tell a lot of these goals are related to 'me' time, something I really have been lacking in the past few months. I have been so busy that at times my mind seems to forget to switch off.  I used to love nothing more than a good old read, but I can't remember the last time I finished a book. I want to make more time to sit down and read instead of scrolling through social media for hours. 

Kiera 

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♥

Summer Favourites 2017

Hey lovelies. Welcome back to my blog! I've took most of summer of as I wanted to enjoy it, and if I'm honest I have felt really uninspired and demotivated lately. However, I am back with my summer favourites!

I have been absolutely loving this little contour kit by Rimmel London in the shade coral glow. I have been reaching for this almost every single day. I don't particularly like the highlight, so I don't use that everyday. However, the bronze and blush are right up my street. They are so natural looking and therefore perfect for a minimal makeup look - something I'm loving right now.

If you follow me on my Instagram then you will have seen these liquid lipsticks before as I LOVE them. I've been wearing them so much throughout summer, they're super bright and pigmented. They make any simple look, look amazing. The formula isn't too drying unlike other matte lip products I have tried. I usually stick to nudes, or brown under toned shades, however this year I've been feeling a little more confident and adventurous with my makeup.

Now if you're anything like me you'll take ages to catch a natural tan. This year I actually managed to catch a decent tan whilst on holiday for ten days! However, it has started to fade and I've been wanting to feel like a bronzed goddess everyday, not just for a few weeks. I've tried my fair share of fake tans, and I haven't always got on with them. Whilst in Home Bargains a few weeks I spotted this tan for £2.99 - bargain! I have absolutely fallen in love with this formula and its my go to tan now. They also do a mousse which I also love. It's so natural looking, the perfect 'I've been on holiday' shade, because who doesn't love to fool people into believing they've been sipping cocktails for a few weeks?. This isn't streaky either and is easy to apply. I apply mine on an evening, let it develop over night, and wash of the first layer in the morning.

Recently my face has just been absorbing my makeup, and it's been going patchy, shiny and just not lasting in general. I've been using all the same products so I don't know what my face is playing at to be honest. The woman in MAC told me this primer would help combat my oily skin, whilst keeping my makeup in place. This has been an absolute lifesaver! Not only has my makeup been looking perfect all day long, it hasn't gone super shiny either. Absolutely been loving this. 

Bit of a random one but this summer I've been loving my sisters Polaroid, she received it for her birthday and has been kind enough to let me steal it at times haha. I feel like summer is the perfect time for this because it's when the most memories are created. This has been brilliant to use on holiday, and I can't wait to carry on making more memories and capturing them on this and having them printer instantly. Especially since I always promise myself to print photos of my phone but never get round to doing so - this way I have them instantly.

I've managed to make my way through another Velvet Teddy so I've been on the hunt for another everyday lip shade. As a replacement until I buy another one I have been absolutely loving Twig. It's a beautiful shade, and is a creamy formula. This is a creamy lipstick, and the colour is absolutely beautiful. It goes with any makeup look and is right up my street. I love any MAC lipsticks to be honest, and haven;t yet found a formula I don't love.

I am so sorry if you follow me on any form of social media because you are probably fed up of seeing this swimsuit haha. I have been posting photos of this everywhere because I LOVE it! I haven't been feeling the most confident lately, so this summer I decided to give swimsuits a try so I could still enjoy beach days whilst feeling good. I found this one in Primark for £8 and I knew I had to have it. If you know me you'll know my love for mermaids so this was right up my street. I'm quite sad summers almost over because I won;t be able to wear this for another year.

Kiera 

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♥