In Memory of Rosalind Upton ( My Nan ) ♥

This is something personal and mainly written for myself and family members to read. My family like to take photos. So we took photos of nans two very special days. If you don't agree with taking photos at funerals then I wouldn't advise you to read this post, As heartbreaking as those two days were, they were the celebrations of my nans life and we wanted to have memories of her beautiful send off.

On 22nd January 2016 around 1am, my nan fell asleep with my family around her. My beautiful nan has gone to heaven. My nan was battling cancer for many years and we had ups and downs throughout. If you knew my nan you would know she was an amazing, beautiful women who was such an inspiration to us all. Her smile would light up the whole room and make everybody's day a whole lot brighter and happier. She was the happiest person with the wackiest sense of humour. Her jokes would have you in fits of laughter and I'd always end up in tears from laughing. My nan is the reason I am as strong as I am now.

Nan was our family's rock, she gave us all strength and the courage to do whatever we wanted and to never give up. Even when nan was in the most excruciating pain she would smile and laugh just to make her family happy.  When I found out nan had cancer I didn't know how to react. I wanted to think positively and not allow it to get to me. I was strong a lot of the time( although I am in tears as you read this ). To tell you the truth throughout nans whole battle of cancer I mainly felt numb. You never think these sorts of things will happen to you and your family. But they do. The emotions however have hit me fully right now.

My family are all heartbroken. We have done the hardest parts, the funeral and the burial of her ashes. I still don't feel like I have fully grieved from the loss of my nan and I don't know if it will ever hit me properly. I sometimes forget that nans not here anymore, mainly because I think about her all the time and all the memories we shared. I know nan will always be a massive part of my life. I can't wait to have children of my own and tell them about my amazing nan who thought such a tough battle, until she left us peacefully.  I am so proud of my nan and I am so proud to say I am one of her grandchildren. She helped shaped me into who I am today and without her guidance I'd be lost.

Nan had the most beautiful, heart aching funeral. I know she'd be proud of us all. 

I loved going to my nans house on Boxing Day and spending the day with the whole family, eating a lot of left over food and playing games. Just having fun. Something I will never get back. At least not with my nan any more. Last year was my nans 66th birthday. It was a lovely day and I'm glad I got that last birthday with her. She was so happy and had done her makeup all pretty. She looked stunning. I try to focus on all the good memories I have with her. Sometimes it all gets too much. I especially loved popping in to see her at a weekend when she'd get out more food than necessary and made sure you always left her house full.

I mainly feel anger right now, I was heartbroken and still am. But at this moment in time I am angry and frustrated because all I want is to share one last special moment with my beautiful nan. I took time with my nan for granted because part of me always thought she would be with me forever. I believed nan would watch me leave school, go to uni and maybe even start a family of my own. I know nan will witness all these things from up in heaven as she watches over me.  I want my nan back. She was so young. My mum is a carer for the elderly and she looks after people of 90+ who are still able to walk around and look after themselves. So why at 66 was my nan made bedbound?! WHY. It isn't fair.

Cherish those moments with loved ones. Because before you know it they are stolen from you, I feel robbed. Make every moment precious, And take lots of photos. Don't take those moments for granted. Family is everything. I am so proud of my family and I couldn't ask for a better bunch of people.

The aim of this post was to let out my emotions, I did. It helped.

I love you forever nan, you will always be a huge part of my life. I miss you so much. Sleep tight.

♥ 

Top 5 MAC Lipsticks

Hi beautss.

 As some of you may or may not know I have a serious obsession with MAC lipsticks and I always seem to find myself purchasing more and more.. All of them also tend to be browny nudes, my absolute favourite lip colour! I decided today I would share with you all my top 5, I know the colours look pretty similar but if you're into makeup then you'll know there is a difference between them all. Some are matte, satin or cremesheen. And they're all different tones.. kind off. 

Narrowing down my favourite lipsticks to 5 was pretty hard, there was however a few that were instantly my favourites and I didn't even have to think about those ones. Despite how many times my mum tells me I have enough lipsticks I still feel the need to go out and buy more.. I can't help myself. Send help. Counselling may be required. 

Anyway. My top 5 MAC lipsticks at the moment are ; Velvet Teddy, Faux, Creme In Your Coffee, Twig and Whirl. I say ' at the moment ' because I have a few others on my wishlist that I want so badly and I think they would quickly become favourites. Aka Mehr. 

Velvet Teddy and Whirl are both mattes. Faux and Twig are satins. And finally Creme In Your Coffee is a cremesheen, this was actually my very first MAC lipstick and I still love it to this day. However, my all time favourite lipstick is Whirl. I love how it makes a simple makeup look, look so glam and like you've made a lot more effort. I tend to find myself differing between Whirl and Velvet Teddy a lot lately. 

I absolutely adore brownish nudes, I love how pretty they are and how they contrast really nicely with my skin tone, hair and eye colour. I used to love pink nudes however as I've gotten older and improved my make-up skills I realised that they just don't look right on me at all. Although I do like cremesheen lipsticks, more often than not I'd choose a matte or satin lipstick over a cremesheen any day. Mainly because mattes last a lot longer and stay in place, but that's just my opinion. 

MAC lipsticks are my favourites, if you haven't tried a MAC lipstick then you seriously should!! They're all so pigmented and the colour range is beautiful, They're all £15.50 each, but so worth it. They also have a range of different finishes too. 

They are my top 5 MAC lipsticks. If you have any favourite lipsticks from MAC that I haven't included leave them below because I'm always on the hunt for new lipsticks to try. 

 ♥

A Massive Ramble

 Hey beauts. Long time no see! I haven't blogged in almost a month and I've missed it so much. I took  a break so I could concentrate on revision for my mocks. Also in  January I sadly lost my nan which meant I extended my blogging break for a little longer. However, I'm now back and here to stay for as long as possible - there's no getting rid of me that easily. I wanted to ramble on a bit today about a few things that have been getting to me a lot recently. 

First up body shaming and body confidence. Nothing sickens me more than when people slag off other peoples bodies. 'She's so fat'. 'look at her stretch marks'. Why do we care so much about the way other people look?! Why do we get bothered if somebody has stretch marks, it doesn't mean there fat, You can simply get stretch marks from puberty. Also when we call others out for being too skinny and showing too much bone. Everybody has a beautiful body, every body comes in its own individual shape and size. I slag of my own body A LOT. I hate staring at my own body, It upsets me so much when I can't bare to stand in front of the mirror. When I was younger and didn't have a phone, I was so confident and my body didn't bother me at all. A few months after getting my phone and other forms of social media, I started seeing other girls posting photos and immediately started comparing myself to them. That's when my whole lack of confidence began. I range between a size 8 and 10, and I've never once been picked on for my weight. Yet I still despise my body, all because of the way social media portrays the 'perfect body'. I don't have a thigh gap and I literally don't care. Having a thigh gap isn't a necessity for me at all.  I think we let social media influence our thoughts way too much. 

Anxiety. Anxiety is something I suffer with and have done for the past four years. It's not a choice and if I could get rid of it I would. The thing is, everybody has anxiety, just some people have it more severe than others. I suffer with social anxiety, especially around eating out, I'd much rather stay in doors and eat with my family or friends in the comfort of my own home. Than out in a restaurant where we are surrounded by a bunch of people who I don't know. A lot of people who I've told about my anxiety always tell me to just 'stop worrying' and to stop 'over-thinking'. Trust me it's not that simple. It's also not just a case of people being nervous or worried about things. Whenever my anxiety is particularly bad, I often take my dog for a long walk and leave my phone behind. Checking social media when you're anxious doesn't help. Never assume anxiety isn't a big deal, because to the person who's suffering with anxiety, it is. 

Showing my emotions is something I suffer with. When I love somebody, obviously I'll make sure they know that. I always make sure my friends and family know that I love them. However, if I'm upset or just feeling crappy. I won't hardly ever show it. I build up a barrier and keep it all inside. Which makes everything a whole lot worse, Which then leads to me over-thinking. My friends always tell me to stop doing this, because I often get myself wound up and upset myself even more. One of the main reasons why I very rarely show my emotions is because I don't want my mood to kill others. When my nan passed away, obviously I was heartbroken but I still felt awful about being in a horrid mood and bringing others down with me. 

I like most people have a lot of insecurities. I always feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel like people are looking for something better than me. Eurgh lets discuss my nose, I HATE IT, My sister used to call my nose a ski slope and ever since then I've hated it, It's something I hate about myself so much and forever will most likely. Just my skin in general. I dislike not wearing make-up, without it I don't feel very confident. I don't wear make-up to impress others, ever. I don't spend hours contouring my face for somebody to take one glimpse and not even notice how long I've spent on it, Neither do I spend endless amounts of money on MAC lipsticks for boys, who don't know the difference between Russian Red and Ruby Woo. I hate when people comment on the amount of make-up you're wearing. Why does it affect you. At school because they know about my blog and my love for makeup, people always assume I'm 'caked' in make-up. This pisses me off very much. Who cares if I am wearing to much too makeup. It makes me feel good so leave me be. 

Ramble over. For now. I've missed this little space, very much!

                                                                        ♥

What I Got For Christmas | 2015

Hi lovelies. 

I'm aware these type of posts have been and gone, and I'm super late at putting mine up. However, I've been so busy since Christmas that I haven't had time to sit down and write this post up. I really love doing these posts and also watching/reading them. As usual I am not bragging, or showing off and I am very grateful for everything I got. Thank you if your gift is shown here!

BEAUTY 

MAC make-up was very popular this year if you couldn't tell already. I've just become obsessed with the brand recently. Most of this was off my dad as he saw my MAC wishlist post. I have been using this all since and I am obsessed. I got the Fix + setting spray, MAC prolonger waterproof foundation?!, pro longwear waterproof brow set(THIS IS AMAZING), MAC prolong wear concealer. For lipsticks off my dad I got - Please Me, Faux, Velvet Teddy & Honeylove, When Luke came down he surprised me with two gorgeous lipsticks which are Whirl & Twig. I was so happy with all this new makeup to play around with as you can imagine! Whirl is definitely my new favourite shade of lipstick!

BATH 

Every year I always ask for bath stuff as it's something I just never get round to buying myself. This year in particular I asked mum for some of Zoella's range. I have actually started using this already and I used one of her Fresh Fizz Bars last night and it makes the bath water smell incredible. I also love the exfoliator very much and the hand cream looks super pretty next to my makeup stand. I definitely want more of her range now I've tried it haha. I did also get her new book which isnt bath related at all but I thought I'd share that with you now whilst we're discussing her range. She also got me a body shop set in the scent strawberry which I am yet to try out, Although it smells divine. 

MAIN GIFTS

For main gifts this year I was so lucky and got more than one from my parents, I didn't expect any of these things! First of all my mum bought me the most beautiful pandora bracelet with a dainty little Disney Charm which represents Ariels wedding dress. She also got me the rose gold Casio watch which she knows I've wanted for so long. And I have actually been using to check the time and not just wearing it because it looks nice haha! As a little stocking filler she also got me the Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish, hot cloth cleanser which smells amazing!! Its so tiny and cute that I'm afraid to use it. From my dad he bought me the Adidas Campus 80s in grey. This present I actually knew about because we had so much trouble trying to find these in a size 5 which felt impossible.  These don't look as fresh as they did because I have been wearing them almost every day since I got them.. They're so comfortable and go with everything! 

Lastly my two favourite presents....

My dad gave out with a rather large box and handed it over to me on Christmas Day. When I lifted it, it felt so heavy and I was so confused by what it was because I hadn't asked for anything of that size.. not that I could remember. When I opened it and saw Vogue, I was instantly in love. For those who are confused by what this is, it's basically a giant book full of different styles of gown related fashion e.g. drama or modern etc. The reasoning behind this gift was because my dad knows how much I love Vogue and how my dream is to work for them or within the fashion industry. So this is something I'd be very interested in, I've already spent ages looking through it, The image on the left is actually my favourite image throughout the whole book because it's linked to mermaids haha. 

I love dressing gowns so much. I spend hours in them especially when I'm getting ready to go out, I love getting out bath putting on my dressing gown and spending hours doing my makeup all nice and warm. My old dressing gown was pure white and very thin. It was soft but I have felt anything as soft as this dressing gown, ever. Its from Topshop and has little bear ears on the hood. I have been wearing this constantly since. My mum has warned me not to ruin this one as it's not the cheapest dressing gown out there. If you live near a Topshop you have to go in there and give this a feel. It's so warm!!

That's everything I got for Christmas that I thought you guys would be interested in seeing. I hope you all enjoyed it and if you've done one of these posts leave it down below because I'd love to read it.  Again thank you to everybody who got me anything or even if you just wished me well at Christmas.  Love you. 

Also I have mocks coming up in three weeks time, so I will be absent on here for a while as I don't want to stress myself out by giving myself extra work. Hopefully sometime in February I'll get back into posting. There may be a few posts in the next few weeks but I cant promise anything as GCSE's do have to come first unfortunately. 

                                                                 ♥